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Tuesday, May 8th, 2007
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9:12 pm
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BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
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| Wednesday, January 24th, 2007
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4:08 am
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Oh, forget sleep again tonight. I'm not sure if I'm poor or not. Not knowing is just as uneasy as knowing.
PARTICIPATION TIME.
Will somebody please tell me about good music. please. just tell me what you're listening to.
POTENTIAL H BOMB!
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| Sunday, December 31st, 2006
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6:32 am - There are no excuses for the words that follow
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Hello, in my dreams I am crushed underneath the weight of your eyes and the embers of darkness dug deep. I strain to forgive what i already know is true. And forever I gain nothing but the past buried deep in my heart, in sub-dreams I forget you are gone and you've found new love. I realize the fortress of my heart. I cannot stand to be like this much longer, in the echoes of this room and of my bills and of my days spent without you-----------. I cannot stand the thought of my dear C. continuing on without me. I love your pictures and I free myself in the grasp of your smile. I fear your dark makeup might change the heart of every evening gored. I have found my ----------- and my like in her. Her fair skin and colored eyes, freckles tinted in her face i recognize you are forgotten in this city. no one knows what you've done to me, not even you. I cannot be sober, for when I am -- --------------------. In sight and in action when the secret lies in depth of alcoholic tendencies, I cringe at the thought. I iiiforge and forge a way into my own thoughts but recommend nothing to myself but to call. I do nothing but ask about you. i fill voids with emptiness. And it seems to give way under the pressure. I think of nothing but you and ------------. ---------------------------. I hear things in year of travel, I smell the things that remind me of you. I try and fix what changes have been made, but in recklessness turn in time without much excess. I write your passion and I taste nothing ------- -------.God, in the times I miss you most I feel nothing. The sinking barge, the tapered tongue, the turning table sunk beneath the years. i will think of something soon, in drugs and in the howls of evening I tag along into your voiiice so soft and child-like on the phone. I cannot say I _________. I cannot say it in the state that I am in. but, I miss you and ----------- anywayss.
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6:27 am - Yes. I will.
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"One day I'll have style," she said.
"No you won't. You'll stay the same. You'll be the same girl tomorrow and the next day and forever. You have one chance to have style. Tomorrow is the first day of forever, so, you have to go out today and become whoever you want to be. Tomorrow you're stuck with it forever."
Not sure what Johnathan meant, she asked for it in writing. The page he wrote went as follows:
My Dear Susan,
Due to the recent rise of change in the world, we as the human race have chosen you to never change again. Your hair will never grow again, your finger nails will never change, you will look the way you do (starting tomorrow) for the rest of your life. We, out of sympathy, have decided to give you ONE DAY (24 hrs.) to change yourself in any way you would like. Lose all the weight you want, Suzy, pick your outfit, your favorite TV show, everything. We love you, Susan, and we can't say that this is going to be fun for you, but we hope you understand.
Thank you so much,
Simon Suffrage
At this, she stood at the table where the meeting had just occurred. Confused, she crumpled the paper in sweltering anger and stormed out of the poorly lit room. Outside, she began to run as fast as she could, trampled cement nearly sunk beneath her shoes.
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6:26 am - I will fill your friends page
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A writhing pain shivers in the belly of the beast, passing my chest and wrenching my neck, I sit and try and control my breathing.
I roll around on the dirty, dirty floor; Flailing my arms around like a bird I come to an abrupt halt, lining my mouth with my tongue. "Do you feel sick?"
"God no." But I nod my head anyway.
"Fuck the midwest," she says in a breathy whine.
Sometime later, she and I end up in a field of tall grass.
"WHY HERE!?! YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?!?! WHY WOULD YOU TAKE ME HERE!?!?!" one of us said aloud.
"Baby, I love you and you love me, so why not here? There isn't a better place on earth for us to be. It's only an hour's walk from here, so where else should we start to get there?"
"Why not twenty minutes closer?" one of us said.
"I can't see a damn thing in this sun."
In the morning, we started to walk east (I think) away from the sun. The sun and the moon and maybe Jupiter stood watching over us in the mixture of warmth and dew that morning. There was so much sleep in her eyes once we had reached the road, I opted we stop for a short while. I tried to kiss her and she pushed me back, not in a rough way, of course, but in the way she always pushed me back; more holding back the peverbial dam than pushing an ass up the side of a mountain. I couldn't help but grin in my sulk this time. I used to ask her why she wouldn't let me touch her, but I stopped asking yesterday.
"Oh god, there's the ocean."
"Honey, we're in Ohio... there's no ocean in Ohio."
"You never say anything nice."
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6:23 am
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Tonight I felt a void. I am not this person. I am not this person. I see my legs and they are not my legs. I see my arms and they are not my arms.
She told me that she likes my face...and there are things she cannot say. and there are things I cannot bring myself to say (although, little is left. I have said too much to her already).
Sometimes, I just think about her; I'm not thinking about anything in particular...just her. I blew smoke at a window the other day and smiled.
I have moments where I feel that this situation may be detrimental to my emotional health. I'm scared.
I should be happy.
She should be here.
I don't think I will ever be the same.
and to you:
I remembered what I keep forgetting to tell you. That sufjan song (vito's ordination song) is amazing. But I have an acoustic solo-ish version of that song that he did as a b-side, and it's amazing. even if you don't read this, maybe writing it down will help me remember. and i forgot your mother's married name to tell my mom...so maybe me writing that down will help me remember to ask you again. but probably not. I miss you C. I know that I say that way too much. (I have deleted so many things from this entry, it's unreal. haha).
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| Thursday, December 28th, 2006
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3:57 am
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i am sad. its not too hard to say and even easier to see. It was a good show tonight in little rock, arkansas. First night on tour with The New Frontiers (formerly Stellamaris) and their last song nearly brought me to tears. Oh, I'm so so so cool. I deserve nothing, and I fear I will never fall in love. How can I be so emotional? It's just stupid. I hope no one reads this. I mean, Dana probably does (hi danc) and that's about it. Maybe Will. I wish i had something more intelligent to say, but I just don't. These are hard times for me, and I'll keep it short and just ask for encouraging words and prayers. I don't want to drink tonight...but I will. There's a name I want to utter and a number I want to call. A girl I want to see every minute of every day. Tour is getting hard. Life is getting harder. I don't know what to say to anyone anymore and there is no comfort in sight. Fuck this entry. and fuck livejournal.
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| Saturday, October 14th, 2006
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6:22 am
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when was the last time you meant anything to anyone? I cannot recall. I feel remorse. I feel shame...Nothing happened, Chris. Nothing. You kissed her on the lips, closed mouth and drunk. Sure, You haven't seen/felt love in hours, maybe years. I cannot see five feet ahead of me. Do you know who sees this? Can you feel anymore? sex and dirt. sex and dirt. sex, dirt and music. never before has it been so simplified. at the end of the night, I lie alone with my headphones in. fuck me. this is just bitter, lonely and sad. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. this misery overwhelms me. I sleep uneasy tonight (children). drunk. I wish I was high. I wish I was high so that right now nothing meant anything. I felt that once...fuck. how many more times can I say fuck tonight? not enough. the dirt in my thoughts clouds the....ashdofihweionrwkejroeweuout. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing peyton. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothgin. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing.
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| Monday, August 14th, 2006
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11:59 pm
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In wishing, and sometimes in dreams, I imagine my powers are great. I wake from my imagination and sink back into the corrosive, disorganized anti-private life that I lead. I can't stand the noise much more. Loneliness drifts in and out of scheduling conflicts, issues with money and the desire to create.
I can feel my fingers struggling to move; my mind wanders into vast, empty passages built by television and alcohol. My family is now an array of characters set in the suburban and urban texts of this life.
I recognize my lack of being alone at all times as being a catalyst for my loneliness. I do not see romance and love as I once did: a couple passing by or portrayal in a movie. I now see love and romance in my home, closer to me than my own thoughts. I see it curled up on our futon, kissing in my bedroom.
I sometimes cannot stand the thought of being. I drink to suppress these thoughts, but mostly I drink to be less aware of my surroundings and my place in this world. I enjoy, more than most, the company of friends. Though I fear that they will leave me, for my actions do not replenish their trust in my desire to be with them, I desire their company, and cringe; I do not feel that I have become anything good.
I can say, with full clarity of thought, that I have never desired to leave this new life behind. I do not dream of returning to my rural home in Xenia. I do not imagine that happiness is there. Why do I desire joy? Can I not feel content in loneliness, or dwell in the shadow of pain? I feel my intelligence is fading. I rely on the confidence of others and their wit to fulfill my social need to be liked by others. I cannot stand to be out without my brothers. I cannot imagine being at dinner with someone new, without my companions, and have it be anything but a total failure.
It seems that no one desires my thoughts. In a recent interview was the first, and last moment I can recall where I felt needed; Where my ideas were desired.
I have failed to become closer with anyone in this city. There was one. A beautiful young girl, two years my junior. I enjoyed every moment with her, and yet, to the critical eye, I fell short of her trust, and the trust of her family. I allowed that need, the need for intimacy, to cloud my judgment and create a rift between her father and I. Though my actions have been deemed somewhat justifiable, the shame of my certain mistake lingers in the air. Things have yet to be the same between her and I; Sitting near her fills my head only with thoughts of shame, perversion, and a worrisome heart. I cannot seem to shake the immovable. My emotions pierce the base of clouds, as mountains above my head. I have yet to be able to pass through them, climb and conquer them, or step around them. I cannot be near her! I am no Montigue, and she is no Capulet. I do not love her, so where can there be divide where there is no desire to cross that which is not there? I sink low, I cannot use her name, for fear that someone, anyone might read this (although i am sure of many that, in reading, would know and know and know and know what and whom I am speaking of).
My Lord, would I die for someone new. I would die for joy and contentment. I would die for an ounce of sincere confidence. I know why I am alone. I know why I am not alone. I know why I am here and what I must do. I see this test and I clammer at its arrival.
My dreams define that greatness in which my life will see. I praise intimacy, and loneliness the same. We must never die, for we will triumph through our hardship.
current music: Arrested Development Season 2
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| Wednesday, May 10th, 2006
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8:40 pm
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In the darkness of night, there are green eyes
Simple, almost plastic
and focused on darkened skies.
Bourbon in her stomach and a baby to her breast,
sinking 'neath the soil drenched in summer sweat.
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| Saturday, October 29th, 2005
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3:02 pm
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Some old man is playing Bob Dylan very loudly across the street...just acoustic stuff though. It makes for a very nice Saturday afternoon.
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1:08 pm
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Home-file.
It's been such a long time, yeah, a really long while since I've been in town at all.
I'm a masticatur, I'm a million feet tall.
If it hap'ens 'gain I'm 'onna give you what you want.
I'm so dreamy, dreary and creamy.
soak me up in yellow spew.
I dream of purple eyes
and drinking with you.
I'm so dreamy, dreary and creamy.
current mood:  okay
current music: Wilco-Ashes of American Flags
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| Monday, July 11th, 2005
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1:51 am
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"All it takes is one girl, one fucking girl and I’m gone for weeks.
One night at one damn ice cream shop and I’m spun in cycles about some
Catholic schoolgirl going to Indiana’s Saint-saint whoever’s for the next four years.
Thirty-minutes out of Chicago just sends me, you know? It just sends me. "
-An Introduction and Re-Introduction to Sebastian
(hah, it's just an introduction. But it's exactly what i wanted to say so far. give me...some feedback. BESIDES commenting on the language. what can i say? im a sucker for foul-mouthed characters. I think that's one of the few reasons why I actually read Salinger. What about the name? i hate the title. i just love the name sebastian. I can only pray for a wife who will let me name our son
Sebastian Freeman. hah )
I'd appreciate at least ONE comment. thank you,
chris
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| Thursday, March 31st, 2005
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12:09 am
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Day 948 in the stuio.
The only thing keeping me warm are my cigarettes. Watching Andy play Indiana Jones has slowly become...rediculous.
-Halo for 4 hours against the nerds on Xbox live.
-Smoking a pack a day without making ANY music. Imagine if I were actually recording something. I imagine the pack intak
would double.
-I've been outside twice today, including the moment when i woke up and stepped into the car to go to the studio. The
other two were food runs to chik fil a.
-this is rediculous.
I havent posted in at least 4 months. Congradulations to all those who have been waiting.
-chris
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| Thursday, September 16th, 2004
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9:34 pm
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so, first day at work on tues. at hollister. i work with rather pretty people, and its a lot of fun. so, yeah. im not gettin paid CRAZY money or anything, but its a little change in my pocket doing something i enjoy. so..yeah. I havent been writing that much, nothing too great anyway, more stuff for the piano than anything. i need a new band. whatever. working on a sad project for art with a friend of mine this afternoon. someone i havent been around as much as id like to be. shes great, but sometimes...it just hurts to be with her, thats all. but its much nicer when its just "us" rather than us and everybody else.
i work wendnesday at 5, and friday at 4. so come visit me.
everyone.
current mood:  complacent
current music: Elliot Smith-Miss Misery
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| Wednesday, September 8th, 2004
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8:50 pm - ugh...maybe im the lesser person for being so sad.
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yeah so, recently (in the last 48 hrs) life has gone significantly down the drain. haha...anyway. school feels like a getaway for my brain. i have...excuses to not talk to people, i have other things to occupy my mind. its when im at home thinking about stuff that sucks.
anyway, i got a job at hollister last week, and i have orientation on sunday. woop woop! haha. im just excited about the discount. (and my hott boss.) um...yeah, thats about it. sorry i dont have something meaningful to say, im sure you all really missed it.
current mood:  uncomfortable
current music: the wallflowers
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| Saturday, August 28th, 2004
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8:24 pm - Today in the store was alright...but in the Cafe...on their cigarette break...your eyes, they shone SO bright.
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I wish I had something to say.
I thought I had something, but it was nothing.
It seems to be much too warm today,
even with the windows down its above 80.
This store means nothing to me.
Getting things done is for the school week,
its the weekend,
lets be free.
Lets be reckless, and be lazy.
Lets break the aisles of the store
and move to the isles of the world.
You mean more than any cigarette could be,
and someday this will be perfect
(love that is)
even if its not between you and me.
I guess I had something to say.
I thought it was nothing but I guess it was something.
It seems still too warm today,
it feels like the sun but its raining.
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| Wednesday, August 4th, 2004
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5:58 pm
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Yesterday, last night till morning, you were all mine.
I kept your interest,
I held your eyes,
I owned your time.
But now I am, to myself, lame.
I am bored with my own conscience.
I dribble on throughout my day
smelling your air on my white shirt.
I dream that one day my paradise and providence will appease this pain and hurt.
What am I whining for?
Why do I strive for such a goal?
I am but a fool these days.
current mood: disenchanted.
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| Monday, August 2nd, 2004
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9:16 pm
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I will enjoy my last days as flesh and romance; I choose not to bury them in reason and preconceived configurations for the future. I shall breathe my last days as a free man; and a fast lover.
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| Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
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10:46 am
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We parallel other times.
Other times when once loved
became two paces behind.
Where sweet dreams take the backseat
to sleepless nights;
and early mornings too soon
to rise.
Swift as the connection between
the lightswitch and the bulb,
I run into the comfort
of our friendship
kind of love...
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eoadrummer's journal